Why We Repeat Relationship Patterns — Even when we know they hurt
Sometimes we know a relationship isn’t good for us — but we stay. Or we find ourselves drawn to similar dynamics, even when we promised ourselves things would be different. This blog explores why we repeat painful relationship patterns through a psychodynamic lens.
Introduction
Have you ever looked back on a relationship and wondered, "Why did I stay so long?" Or noticed yourself attracted to the same kind of person again and again - even when it never ends well? These patterns aren’t random. In psychodynamic counselling, we understand them as unconscious attempts to make sense of old emotional wounds.
It’s not about being weak or naïve. Often, we’re drawn to what’s emotionally familiar - even if it’s painful.
The Pull of the Familiar
These patterns can look like:
Falling for emotionally unavailable partners
Staying in relationships where we feel we have to earn love
Sabotaging intimacy when it starts to feel too close
Repetition isn’t failure — it’s a signal. It tells us something unresolved is asking to be seen.
The Role of the Unconscious
Psychodynamic theory sees these repetitions as attempts to master or rewrite early emotional experiences. We might be unconsciously hoping that this time, it will end differently - that this partner will finally give us the love we didn’t receive then. But often, the dynamic plays out in the same painful way.
The therapeutic relationship offers a space to notice these patterns without judgment. In time, the client may begin to recognise the emotional echo — and understand what they were really seeking all along.
Self-Blame and Compassion
It’s easy to blame ourselves: "I should have known better." But these patterns aren’t about logic. They’re about emotional memory. The part of us that repeats is often a younger part, still trying to get its needs met.
But Can the Past Still Affect Us Now?
It’s a fair question — and a common one. You might think, Surely something that happened decades ago can’t still be influencing who I’m attracted to or how I behave in relationships now?!
But emotional memory doesn’t work the same way as factual memory. We might not consciously recall every detail of early experiences, but the emotional atmosphere we grew up in — whether we felt safe, loved, seen, or had to suppress parts of ourselves to stay connected — becomes part of our internal wiring.
These early experiences shape the emotional templates we carry: what feels familiar, what feels risky, and what we believe we need to do in order to be loved. So when we’re drawn to a certain kind of relationship, or find ourselves reacting in ways that don’t “make sense,” it’s not about immaturity or weakness. It’s about a part of us — often one that learned these dynamics long ago — still trying to protect us, or still hoping for repair.
In counselling, we explore these layers with care. We’re not digging up the past for the sake of it - we’re trying to understand how it lives on in the present, often quietly, but powerfully.
Conclusion
Repeating relationship patterns doesn’t mean we’re broken — it means we’re human. Psychodynamic counselling helps us slow down, notice what’s happening beneath the surface, and begin to form new, more emotionally attuned relationships.
If something in this blog resonated with you, counselling can offer a space to explore it more deeply — with gentleness, not judgment.