Can Our Attachment Style Change?

We often talk about attachment styles as if they’re fixed - anxious, avoidant, secure, or disorganised. But in psychodynamic counselling, we see them as patterns that can shift over time, especially in the presence of safety, reflection, and new relational experiences.

Introduction

Maybe you've taken an attachment quiz and found yourself labelled as "anxious" or "avoidant." While these styles can help us understand ourselves better, they’re not personality traits - and one online quiz can’t possibly capture the complexity of years of lived experience. - Even if it was followed by a pastel infographic telling you what kind of partner you need.

The good news? Because they’re learned, they can also change.

What Shapes our Attachment Style

Attachment styles are shaped in our earliest relationships — usually with primary caregivers. If our emotional needs were consistently met, we’re more likely to develop a secure base: a sense that it’s safe to love, ask for help, and express feelings.

If care was inconsistent, intrusive, or unavailable, we might learn to adapt by becoming hyper-vigilant (anxious), emotionally distant (avoidant), or confused and disorganised in our attachments. These strategies made sense then. But they can cause pain in adult relationships.

What Helps Attachment Styles Shift

1. New emotional experiences

Healing relationships — whether with friends, partners, or a counsellor — can offer consistent emotional attunement that challenges old assumptions. When someone responds to our needs with care and reliability, it starts to feel safer to trust, express, and connect.

2. Insight and reflection

Counselling offers space to explore where our patterns came from, how they protected us, and what they cost us. That awareness alone creates room for change.

3. A regulating relationship

In psychodynamic counselling, the therapeutic relationship becomes a kind of emotional anchor. When difficult feelings arise, they can be felt and processed safely, often for the first time. Over time, this builds new internal expectations about connection and safety.

Change Doesn’t Mean Perfection

Shifting your attachment style doesn’t mean never feeling anxious or avoidant again. It means having more awareness, choice, and self-compassion when those reactions arise. That in itself is a sign of growing security.

Conclusion

Attachment styles are not fixed labels. They reflect the strategies we once developed to feel emotionally safe. And because they were learned, they can gradually shift.

Through consistent, emotionally attuned relationships — including therapy — we can begin to feel more secure in ourselves and more connected to others. Change may happen slowly, but it is possible, one safe relationship at a time.

If you’re curious about how your own attachment patterns might be evolving, or want to explore what helps you feel safe in relationships, counselling can be a helpful place to begin.